“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.