I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
You Might Also Like
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…