I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?