I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
You Might Also Like
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
#Caturday
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”