@Roweboat13G: I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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@HatfieldAnne: I'm no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
@iMikosnyc: Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let's do this!!!
@KeetPotato: [emergency dentist appointment] dentist: what seems to be the problem? me: my teeth [turns to nurse] is this guy new?
@xLiserx: Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won't talk to me at the grocery store.