I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now