Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.