I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you