I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Got ya covered
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.