@TheTweetOfGod: I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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@Midgetspar: Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
@goodhairperson: [Guy goes on a date w me] Hm not sure if he likes me [13 more dates] Dunno? [Marries me] It's so confusing [Stays w me 30 yrs] How do u tell
@garrydavenport: Thinking of my mother at Christmas, looking down on me. She's not dead, just very condescending.
@NotKarma: Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.