@TheTweetOfGod: I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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@Zombieionism: Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren't making phone calls on, every year.
@pleatedjeans: [approaches cute girl in library] Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you're Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read
@rockymomax: [in bed] HER: talk dirty to me ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway HER: I meant- ME: I use a rat as a loofa