I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
🤣
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.