I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???