I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
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Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
#milo
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Solving a traffic jam