I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
me irl
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.