@PeteBlackburn: I bet Abraham Lincoln would rather go watch another play than watch this debate.
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@DevilryFun: HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class? Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
@dafloydsta: [asking a girl out] ME: So do you have a dog? HER: Yes, I do. She's very playful. ME: *nervously* Do you know if she's busy later?
@badAzz_mom: If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you're talking to someone else on the phone.
@bridger_w: If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek