i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”