i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
#Thanos #MondayMood
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”