*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
You Might Also Like
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader