I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
You Might Also Like
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
That’s amazing.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
road rage
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.