I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
You Might Also Like
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
My beach vacation Google searches
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.