@JordanPeele: I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
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@TheHyyyype: ME: i honestly only had one drink WIFE: i don't believe a word you just said ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they're all real
@msbtx: Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you Me: I'm sorry I gave you that impression. That's not correct
@UncleDuke1969: Him: I'm making you Produce Manager. Me: A PLUM assignment! H: ... M: You're a PEACH! H: ... M: Do I start today or TOMATO? H: You're fired.
@FuckabillyRex: My dog seems happy so I took her meds to see if they'd help me and I guess at least I won't have any ticks this summer.