You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
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My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie