no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb