@breeinthestee: Yay it's payday! *pays bills That was short lived.

@theBlatherskite: I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.

@AnOrangeSNES: The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

@Quartzjixler: Speed dating (Don't say anything embarrassing) "So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?" (DAMMIT!)

@eedrk: Girl: Some1 in my house can't call 911 they'll hear me pls help. Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don't seem desperate): hey