@GrantTanaka: wife: maybe u should take out the trash me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out wife: WHAT me: U HEARD ME wife: NO I DIDN'T me: OH THANK GOD

@JohnLyonTweets: -Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.

@ImABaconDonut: Me: Thanks for the sex. Me: You're welcome. Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room. Me: That'd be nice.

@notalogin: [My funeral] Friend 1: So how did he die? Friend 2: Mistaken identity F1: What happened? F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

@PaperWash: Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can't use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.