BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination