I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.