I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
accurate
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places