@Vodkantots: I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.
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@IrishVin: Me: Can I buy that chandelier? Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself? Me: No, I'm hanging it from the ceiling.
@TheBoydP: "I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
@T_N_Crumpets: Wife: Are you crying in there? Me crying: NO! W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door* Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO