@Vodkantots: I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.
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@Birdhumms: Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell
@aka_fatman: Let's play the Rihanna drinking game! We'll drink a shot of vodka every time she says 'work'. [2 minutes later] *house is on fire*
@Humor_Fetish: There's a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
@Token_Geezer: Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.