@Vodkantots: I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.
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@PressOneForNo: I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she's 18
@geekysteven: ME: "Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back" STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: "They called?! That's a level 3 violation!"
@hazelmotes1: Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.