By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Cool shirt 🙂
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life