I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I unironically love this joke.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Strangers have the best candy.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”