I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
You Might Also Like
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My daily affirmation
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
this is the greatest thing ever