@Fred_Delicious: I bet Lincoln is looking down like "dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater"
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@garrettbarry70: Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress. Me. Sure *Snip* There you go. Wife. Thanks. Me. No problem. *Kicks pony tail under bed.
@Tmoney68: 11:30 - Sit on toilet, open Twitter. 11:54 - Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs. 11:55 - Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
@thatdutchperson: [Court] "Do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" Me: yes. *GF from the back* DO THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?
@BMCarbaugh: At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread