I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Dietest Coke
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end