Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
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Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My first son he is wonderful
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State