{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.