I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
wait.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were