I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe