@NintenDom: I bet the first guy to pee on someone's jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
@TheTalkingPipe: The milk in my fridge went bad. It beat up my orange juice and started selling meth to all the condiments.
@lisaandtots: Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?! 900 of you don't read my shit.