I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.