@NintenDom: I bet the first guy to pee on someone's jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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@Manda_like_wine: Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
@tpurvis06: Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought "damn so easily entertained" then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
@MomoVonTrite: Today is my mom's birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
@JPHaddadio: They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.