I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday