@dubstep4dads: i bet the first guy to say "smooth as a babies bottom" wasnt the most respected man in the community
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@woodmuffin: Why don't they have a WHITE history month?? Why don't they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why's there no cemetery for ALIVE people??
@huntigula: her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house? him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don't be ridiculous
@SarcasticAlly12: People say "life's a journey, not a destination," because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
@_ElizabethMay: *peels sticker off webcam* Me: i know my searches seem suspicious, but they're not. FBI agent in the webcam: you're looking up the best way to dismember and dispose of a body. Me: I'm a writer. FBI agent: *quiet for several minutes* The answer is pigs. Me: *replaces sticker*