i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
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I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I’m not stressed
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Home #decor warning.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget