i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
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I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.