Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
You Might Also Like
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.