Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.