I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
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13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]