@tacos_y_cerveza: I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
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@StorybookBlonde: My cell phone fell in the pool...now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
@TeaAndCopy: WIFE: Kate's new baby is 7lbs 11oz ME: WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone ME: WIFE: 3½ kilos ME: WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer ME: Oh cool
@Ideal_Victoria: Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one” And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”