My purse is deeper than some people.
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
dutch is not a serious language
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
The hardest thing Vision has to do
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.