“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
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Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
when you order from DoorDastardly