I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.