I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
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Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]