@illTortuga: I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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@ArfMeasures: ME: This car's perfect except for one thing WIFE: Yes, there's no room for the childre- ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it's perfect
@dixonshuman: It's like my cat doesn't realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
@Parentpains: I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
@UnicornSyrup: I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die. Also, I don't want to be cremated.