I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Air conditioning – not a fan
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.