@illTortuga: I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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@huntigula: her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house? him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don't be ridiculous
@Wine_Honey1: I hate it when someone makes plans with me but they haven’t called to cancel, so I have to do it.
@KielyHealey: Losing weight Pros: - fit into fashionable clothes - less chub rub - can be picked up & carried Cons: - fit into beauty standards - less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail - can be picked up & carried
@Tbone7219: On tonight's episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.