My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic