i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Roses are red
Violets are blue