I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
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some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Funny women are smart. Be careful.