I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
the three branches of government
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.