I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
#oldknees
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…